I don't wanna be deleted!

Dear Diary -

Can you believe it? Dad brought us to this damn town after the school year started and I can’t get into the one Latin II course this stupid school offers. It’s full and they refuse to allow another student in! Something about education codes and fire safety regulations.

God-dammit. One more stupid semester of a foreign language is all I need and yet I keep getting moved out of my classes before I can get full credit and now I can’t get the easy A course and they’re making me take beginning Spanish.
Dean tells me that since I can speak Latin out of my ass and that I know more than any teacher in this podunk town (his words, not mine – mine were god-damned insipid hellhole waste of time thankyouDAD), that I should suck it up and learn something new for once.

I’m going to use that one on him when he says the same thing about Chemistry or American Literature and how he doesn’t need to go to class because what use will knowing Tom Sawyer or covalent bonds be when he’s shooting a succubus?

I pointed out that time when we had to come up with a last minute escape plan from the kusith and we mixed bleach and vinegar to knock it out - like he would have learned in Ashby had he done his homework instead of foisting it off on me to do for him because he had to go improve “neighborly relations” with Mrs. Rinher by plowing her back-forty as he liked to call it.

My brother is incorrigible…and slightly gross.

Then you know what he says? He says, “Cuando puedes traducir éste, te compraré tres putas y ellas te harán un hombre. Ellas chingarán muchas veces hasta que tu casi mueras de placer y no pudieres caminar para una semana. Tu vas a me dar las gracias en tus rezos para el resto de su vida, mi hermanito virginal.”

Then he laughed, swatted me on the back of the head, and went out to find the nearest bar that would take his fake ID.

Dammit. Dean can insult me in at least four languages. Now I have to learn Spanish to find out if he called me a pansy ass wookie boy again. 


Sam

Dear Diary - 

Dad was driving Sammy and me to stay with Pastor Jim for a while while he was on a hunt.  He suddenly pulled the Impala over in a rest stop, checked to make sure Sammy was still asleep in the back, and asked me to get out of the car to talk to him.  

I was scared.  Dad sounded so serious.  Maybe this time he really was going to leave us with Pastor Jim forever, like I heard him and Caleb talking about sometimes, or when Dad drank a little too much and told me this was no life for little boys like me and Sammy and wouldn't I like a nice, normal family to live with. 

I wasn't going to cry.  Crying was for babies like Sammy.  Before I knew what I was doing, I grabbed at the necklace hidden under my shirt, crushing the fabric in my fist as I told him me and Sammy were his family and we wanted to stay with him no matter what.

Daddy looked scared for a second before he ruffled his hand through my hair and pulled me in for a hug. He sat down on the curb by the car and pulled me into his lap, saying that of course me and Sammy were staying with him.  Family was important and you never turned your back on your family.

He said that wasn't what he wanted to talk about.  He tugged on the leather cord around my neck and pulled out Mom's necklace.

Dad asked me where I got it and I had to tell him about getting into his stuff and showing Sammy his pictures of Mom.  He told me that I knew better than to get into his stuff because he had dangerous things that little boys shouldn't touch.  I told him pictures of Mommy weren't dangerous and Sammy needed to see them more often.  Daddy looked really sad and agreed with me.  He said he hadn't been a very good Daddy to us, but he was trying really hard to do it right without Mommy.  His eyes got shiny and he looked off at the trees for a long time.

When he turned back, he held the end of the necklace in the palm of his hand and told me that this had been Mommy's favorite charm.  He said she wore it all the time - that he'd got it for her on their honeymoon and she said it showed everyone how lucky she was.  I said I didn't remember it, and I remembered Mommy.  He said that she had to take it off after Sammy was born because babies like to grab things and it was safer to not wear it until Sammy was older.

Daddy held it in his hand so tightly, his knuckles turned white.  I was afraid he was going to rip it off my neck.  He took a deep breath and blinked a lot before saying that he wanted me to keep it.  He said it was Mommy's luck and needed to be kept safe by someone who loved her.  He kissed my forehead and let the necklace fall back on my chest, out in the open for everyone to see.

We headed back to the car to see a grumpy Sammy trying to climb into the front seat.  I got in the back to calm him down as Dad got on the road again.  As we sat there in the back, Sammy curled up alongside me, reaching up to play with the necklace.  He asked me what it was and I told him it was my luck, but that I would always be a good big brother and share my luck with him.  I glanced up to see Dad's eyes in the rearview mirror, and he was smiling.

Dean

Dear Diary -

I hate this time of year. Dad always starts acting all funny and Sammy gets sad because we're sad. He doesn't know why, and we can't seem to tell him. I'll have to tell him one day, when he's older, but not yet. He knows it has something to do with Mom. I still have that picture he made me, folded up in my pack where Dad can't see it.

Sammy asked Dad to take him outside to play in the snow. Sammy doesn't remember snow. The last time we were ever in it, he was way too little to play in it. Dad lost it and told him to get away from him, he didn't need little boys bothering him when he had work to do. Dad left, slamming the door behind him. He's probably going to the bar down the road.

Dad's a good guy. He didn't mean to yell at Sammy. He just hurts too much to see us this time of year, so rather than let us see him cry, he tells us to leave him alone. He says big boys don't cry, but I hear him crying, late at night after Sammy's asleep. He misses Mommy a lot, maybe more than me sometimes.

Sammy doesn't know this. He's never seen Dad cry. He's just a baby and he doesn't know that Daddies cry, too.

I did something I wasn't supposed to. I went into Dad's stuff and found the cigar box and then I went to find Sammy hiding under his bed, crying like the world had ended. His eyes were all puffy and he had snot everywhere, most of it on Mighty (I'll have to wash him next time we do laundry). I pulled him out and settled him on my lap. We curled up in the corner, hidden from everything and I showed him Mom. There was a picture of Mommy holding me with her big Sammy belly. I told him he couldn't tell Daddy I showed him this because he knew that only Daddy was allowed to touch the box. I also showed him a picture when he was a baby sitting in a snowbank with Dad and me. We were all covered in snow and Sammy was red-cheeked and grumpy looking. Dad looked so happy! Sammy didn't believe it. I almost couldn't, either and I was there. I remember it a little, I think.

Sammy fell asleep in my lap as I sorted through what little was left. Dad never let us look at this stuff. I don't think he even looks anymore. There were some more pictures, one of Mommy and Daddy sitting on a beach. I saw a gold ring and a scarf, a key and some movie tickets. At the bottom I found a funny necklace. It looked like a cow head on a black cord. I picked up the beach picture again and saw Mommy was wearing it. It looked like the same one, but I couldn't be sure.

I stared at the picture for a long time. It was from before Sammy...before even me. I tucked Sammy in and went to put the box back before Dad came home. He wouldn't notice the necklace was missing, not for a long time. I wanted a piece of Mom to keep with me.


Dean

Dear Diary -

Dean promised to take me to the movies. He promised, the stupid jerk. But he has to go and get all kissy-faced with that Sally girl that works at the diner. She's old enough to be our mom, for goodness sakes! She said she was 25. That's old - like Cryptkeeper old. Dumb old lady.

There I was, waiting patiently in the back seat of the Impala, like I'd told him I would so he can't blame me for what happened. And what does he do? He and the old lady come groping their way into the front seat. Dean had his face buried in her shirt so he didn't see me, and she is so old she must be blind cause she didn't see me, either. I knew if I waited a couple minutes Dean should be finished cause he never takes very long when he's in the bathroom reading the "stock pages". Yeah, like I believe that. If he were really that interested in stocks, we wouldn't be running credit card scams just to have a place to stay. But it was taking way longer than usual and the movie was supposed to start in 15 minutes. Besides, she was making these gross noises so I was sure she was not only old, but evil, too - asthmatic and evil and really old.

Using my honed hunting skills, I figured the only way an old lady like her could get Dean to forget going to the movies with me was if she were a demon or a succubus or something. Now, the only way to kill a succubus is to cut off her head and I knew Dean would be pissed if I got blood on the seats (again). So I decided to test my demon theory. I pulled up a flask of holy water from between the seats and dumped it on her head.

She sure screamed like a demon. I'd only ever heard words like that when I accidentally washed Dean's laundry with my red socks and turned everything pink. She scrambled her way out of the car and Dean tried to crawl over the seat to get me, but I'm quick. I climbed out the window yelling that Dad would be mad if he killed me and that it's not my fault he got suckered by an old, evil, asthmatic demon-succubus thing.

I told him he was welcome to waste his time with old demon-succubi all he wanted, that I was going back to the room because if he couldn't keep his promise to his own brother then I didn't want to go to the movies with a loser like him anymore.

Selfish jerk. It was the first time we'd had to hang out this whole week.

So I stalked back to the room and turned on PBS becaue I was watching what I wanted, no matter what. Dean came in ten minutes later with a Slurpee for me. He took me to see The Craft because he said I had a good eye for spotting witches.

Maybe my brother isn't such a jerk, after all.


Sam

Dear Diary -

Dad said it was time to get rid of Mighty. He said a big boy like me doesn't need to sleep with a stuffed animal anymore. He told Dean to make sure it was taken care of before he got back tonight.

I didn't even stay to say goodbye to Dad. I went to my room and held Mighty. Sure, Mighty wasn't in great condition, but what do you expect when your dad is a hunter? Half the stuff he kills leaves stains that Tide won't even get out.

Dean came in a few minutes later and sat by me on the bed. He reached over and tugged on Mighty's ear, telling me he remembered the day I found him. He'd taken me into a store while Dad was trying to talk his way out of a ticket. Dad always said that if it looked like there was trouble with the law, to blend into the crowd so they couldn't take us away. So that's what Dean did. He said that we wandered up and down the rows for ten minutes, when we found a back shelf overflowing with stuffed animals. I was only two, he said, but I let go of his hand and studied the entire rack of them. He said finding Mighty was fate, that he had tripped on one that was half-hanging off the shelf and there was Mighty, right behind it.

Mighty wasn't much to look at even then, he said - a squashed face lion with mustard yellow hair that looked like puke - but he said I took one look at it, threw up my arms and screamed, "Mighty!". When Dad finally found us, he knew better than to even try to say no with both of us giving him the puppy eyes so Mighty came home with us.

Dean said that Mighty had been a good friend, but it was time to retire him - like they did with Wilt Chamberlain's jersey. Dean said he could leave him somewhere where he'd be safe rather than just throwing him away like Dad would. Dean said there was a loose board in the closet we could leave Mighty behind, like a king in one of those Egyptian pyramids we saw on PBS. I just nodded, still holding onto Mighty, and Dean patted my arm and went to make some lunch.

I knew I'd have to give him up. Dad doesn't take no for an answer. I curled up on my bed - I wasn't going to cry. I was a big boy now, Dad said so.

There's one thing that Dad and Dean never got right, though. When I was little, I couldn't say Dean very clear. The "n" sound was too hard to make. They never got Mighty's name right - I stopped trying to correct them when I was little.

His name is My Dean, and Dad said it was time to give him up.


Sammy

Dear Diary -

I have to look after Sammy a lot. Since I missed so much school this year with Dad out on hunting trips, Pator Jim sent a whole bunch of stuff over for me to study over the summer.

Yay.

I have found them useful for getting Sammy to sleep at night. I read about multiplication and he zonks out.

Since I was babysitting Sammy again today with Dad gone, I decided to play the goldfish game with him. Sammy's pretty smart for a little kid.

We sat at the kitchen table and I got the bag of goldfish crackers hidden on the top of the fridge. Sammy is an animal when it comes to these things, so I have to hide them if I don't want him whining for them all the time. I laid out a row of three goldfish and asked Sammy how many goldfish would he have if two more came swimming up? I pushed two more into the row and Sammy, the pig stuffed them into his mouth. I told you, he's an animal. Sammy giggled and told me five with a mouthful of mushed up cracker. Gross.

Now I really tried to lay it on him. I put out five crackers and asked Sammy how many would be left if three swam away? Sammy pulled out the pouty face with that one. He doesn't like subtraction because it means less goldfish crackers for him to eat. I told him he's get them back and he smiled with his orange-coated teeth and told me two.

Kid's a genius, I'm telling you.

We did some more adding since Sammy likes that best, but quickly were down to the last few crackers. I'd have to get Dad to buy some more next time we went shopping. I poured out the last four crackers and crumpled up the bag. Sammy screwed up his face at me as he laid out the crackers in a row so I asked him if he had to go to the bathroom or something. Sammy shook his head and told me if he had four crackers and three swam away to Dean, he'd have one left. He shoved three goldfish crackers at me and stuffed the last one in his mouth.

That kid's not only a genius, he's got to be cute, too? I ate the last three crackers and we went to watch some Seasame Street.

Dean

Dear Diary -

Dean doesn't hang with me as much anymore. He prefers going out and playing pool and getting some beer rather than staying at home. It's boring without him! I told him he could make me a fake ID like his cause I'm just as tall as he is - who would know? He told me I look too much like an overeager puppy and if he took me with him, he'd have to be protecting my virtue all night and even though we've had training, he can't hold off an entire bar of bikers.

My brother is such a freak sometimes. Why does he hang out at girl biker bars? I told him I could protect myself from a bunch of girls and he just laughed at me and said that remark is exactly why he's not taking me. Jerk.

Dad came in later asking if we wanted to go to Long John Silver's for dinner. I told Dad we could go crab fishing in the back seat of the Impala since the Department of Health had declared it a public health threat for pubescent males. Dean kicked me under the table. I really wish he'd get over this steel-toed boot phase cause that hurt. I glared back at him. That'll teach him to treat me like a kid. Maybe I'll let Dad find that shampoo he bought at the drug store. Dean tried to pass it off as flea and tick shampoo, but we don't even have a dog.

I'm off to practice making my own fake IDs. Besides, Dean is a little pissed at me right now so maybe hiding out in the library would be a good thing.

Sam